Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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