You really coming over, don't trick.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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