Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
you guys were way drunker than both of me
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
