This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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