I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
