I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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