Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
