alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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