Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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