Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize