as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
