that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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