why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
