someone threw a dead crab at me
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
