i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
