she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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