Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
