I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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