too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
