then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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