Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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