i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
