I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
