did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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