He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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