Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
