Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
