I'm laying in your front yard are you home
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
