Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
