I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
