I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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