at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
It's blow job season.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
