I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize