This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
