Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I would fuck him just for his dog
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
The ass gains better be worth it
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