just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
