wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
