Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
