I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
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