She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
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