I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
