What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
