I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
