I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Randomize
