Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
