that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
