Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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