My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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