Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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