She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
