Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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