Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
