I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
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