Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
