People in love make me want to vomit
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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