I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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