Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
