dude i'm inner monologue high
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
