I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Randomize
