Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
