I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
