it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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