My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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